


i always will

by SleepIsGood



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Angst, Is this angst, M/M, Maybe a tiny bit of angst, Rated teen and up for language, SemiShira - Freeform, brotp kawashira, i don't know how to tag, i think this is angst, i'm stuck in semishira hell, kawanishi is a good best friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 07:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18988045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepIsGood/pseuds/SleepIsGood
Summary: i am impulsive and i don't know how to end this aaaaaaaa i'm sorryyyyyyyythis definitely sucks assi think i might write on what happened before the crashasdhgasfhsjhskl





	i always will

            _Bright lights._

_Erratic driving. Loud beeping vehicles. Sudden swerving. Crashing. Glass shattering._

_Panic. Fear. And then, darkness._

            Shirabu woke up with a jolt. Hair sticking to his forehead, sweat trickling down his neck, eyes brimming with unshed tears.

            “Fuck— no. No, no, no. Please… I’m sorry…” He said softly, his voice barely audible despite the quietness of their— no, his bedroom. It was hard to breathe. His throat was closing up and his tears refused to fall. Shirabu gripped his head tightly, fingers pulling harshly on copper strands, nails digging painfully in his skin. His mind replayed the same memory over and over again, plaguing his dreams more often than he wanted it to. With a shaky breath, he reached out for his phone charging by his bedside drawer and punched in a phone number he has memorised by now.

            “H-hey. Can you come over?”

            _“Wha… Sure. I’ll be there in ten.”_

 

 

* * *

 

 

            Ten minutes later, Shirabu opened up his apartment door and launched himself at the man before him. The food and hot chocolate almost spilled, but Shirabu didn’t really care.

            “Wanna tell me what happened this time?” Kawanishi asked when they settled at the couch. He was woken up at the ass crack of dawn and he was having a really good dream too. Usually he’d ignore the caller or he’d answer and be really pissed, but this was Shirabu. Kawanishi knows that Shirabu doesn’t just ring people up at 4:38 a.m.

            “Car crash.” The shorter brunette mumbled. He held his warm cup of hot chocolate close to his chest. He ignored the onigiri Kawanishi bought, feeling as if he’ll throw up if he ingests anything solid. 

            “Oh. The real thing.” Kawanishi put his food down and pulled Shirabu into a hug. His arms caged in the shorter brunette and his legs tangled with the blankets. He felt Shirabu shaking and whimpers were falling from his lips. Kawanishi felt wetness pool by his chest, but he didn’t mind. He gently stroked copper strands and hummed a little tune one always sang to the other when they felt down.

            “Taichi… it’s my fault. It’s all my fucking fault. He— he died because of me and, and my last words to him… I just, I wanna take it all back! I want to just, go back and rein my stupid fucking pride in and apologize. I want to say sorry, I want to stop it all from happening. And, and oh my god Taichi, he was gonna propose, and then I told him to fuck off just ‘cause of a shitty day at work and I wanna take it back! Fuck, I’m just so angry at myself!” Shirabu ranted in between sobs and hiccups, his tears streamed freely down his face now. He was shaking from anger and sadness, and he wanted to destroy himself. He’s heavily convinced that it was all his fault, after all.

 

            Kawanishi understands that it’s a hard situation, because damn it, Semi was his friend too. He was someone Kawanishi looked up to, and someone he treated like family. While it’s hard for him, he knows that it’s even harder for Shirabu because Semi was both his friend _and_ his lover. Semi was the only other person Shirabu confided in, the only other person he lets his guard down for. Kawanishi could only imagine how much it hurts to lose someone so special. So he lets Shirabu cry. Kawanishi lets him rant, even if he doesn’t agree with most of the statements. He lets him yell and berate himself even if it really fucking hurts to see his best friend so broken and vulnerable. He waits for him to calm down, because he knows that interrupting him and trying to oppose his thoughts yields no positive results. It only prompts more crying and yelling. Kawanishi waits, and he listens. He listens to everything Shirabu says even it’s all becoming repetitive. He listens to Shirabu sniveling and whispering nearly imperceptible words of self-blame. And when Shirabu does calm down, he has tissues within reach because he knows how much Shirabu hated tears, sweat, and snot, even if it was his own.

            “Taichi, I just want him back…” Shirabu says, cries slowly dissipating. It was reduced to hiccups and sniffles, and Kawanishi gently blotted away his tears with a tissue. Kawanishi gently held another sheet to his nose, a signal for him to blow the remaining snot away from his nostrils. He was thankful for Kawanishi, because he was still there for him, regardless of how much he must be hurting as well. He was thankful because Kawanishi never left his difficult, whiny ass. He lets out a chuckle— a pathetic one at that— that turned into sad laughter. And if Kawanishi found it weird or creepy, he doesn’t comment on it.

 

            By the time Shirabu recovered from his breakdown, it was nearly 8 a.m. Kawanishi had called in sick for his work for him, and Kawanishi has a day off. He stood up and headed to the kitchen before being stopped in the kitchen.

             “I don’t trust you in the kitchen alone, Kenjirou. If you want breakfast, I’ll cook.” Kawanishi said in his usual deadpan voice. Shirabu pouted and Kawanishi only chuckled and tousled his hair.

            “Go shower, yeah? You smell as bad as you look.”

            “Shut up, Taichi.”

            “Sure, sure.”

            Shirabu feigned annoyance. He was glad for Kawanishi’s sass and he let a small smile crawl into his face, despite his efforts to push it away. Meanwhile, Kawanishi was pondering on what to make with Shirabu’s limited ingredients.

 

 

* * *

 

 

            After breakfast, they drove to the flower shop by the corner and bought two small baskets of flowers. They headed to the cemetery and walked slowly towards Semi’s headstone. Shirabu had another wave of tears coming, but he wiped it away as quickly as they came. Kawanishi placed his basket down first, muttering a short “I miss you, Semi-san. Rest in peace.” He headed to the car first, giving Shirabu some space.

 

            “Hey, Eita. I miss you so, so much. I couldn’t say this enough but I’m sorry.” Shirabu said, repeating his apologies as much as he deemed necessary. He placed his basket down on the opposite side of where Kawanishi placed his.

            “I just… I wish I could somehow turn back time and postpone my aggressive ass for another day. Maybe then, I’d still have you here. Funny isn’t it. People always said my attitude would bite me in the ass someday, and it bit me in the worst possible way,” He snickered darkly, tears threatening to spill once more, “I love you, Eita. I love you so fucking much. I hope that you’re happy, wherever you are. Perhaps we’ll get married in another life. I love you, and I always will.” Shirabu finished it by kissing his fingers and placing it gently on the headstone. He walked back to the car and Kawanishi drove them away. Shirabu lost his lover, but thank fuck he didn't lose his best friend too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i am impulsive and i don't know how to end this aaaaaaaa i'm sorryyyyyyyy
> 
>  
> 
> ~~~~  
> _this definitely sucks ass_  
>   
> 
> ~~i think i might write on what happened before the crashasdhgasfhsjhskl~~


End file.
